Zero marks the beginning. Sequences that never end. Structure, form underpinning. Emotions to comprehend.
20180517_030000 (17th May 2018 03:00AM)
A world exclaiming I am not part of it. This heart shaped disconnect in my chest.
Every door politely closed in my face. My lifetime knowing of stress.
Emotions held. Data in one moment. Time fell eternal on my mind.
Ones passed now present. Glimpsed a pill I took it, clean. Scale and emotion connected, entwined
It was unseasonably warm as I came up to bed. Soft light beckoning me in. A pleasant sense of summer. Both skylights horizontal as I walked the room. I glanced the mirror and saw through it.
I did not recognise the figure looking back at me. We were unfamiliar. A contorted balance of skin on bone. A ghost of a man haunted. Opposing glass our eyes slammed shut.
Frustrations enveloped me as I tumbled through their depravity, impacting with every injustice. Alone at the bottom and left for dead. The monster of the accusations with his hand around my throat. The crowd rallying him on. Stranded. Unable to communicate. Defenceless. What was once my nightmare now a reality. I visualised opening the kitchen drawer, "Stop".
My mind emptied instantly and completely. Everything I had, left.
Motionless and eyeless I stood in silence. Soft choral tones of distant tyres rolling on level tarmac. The bump of the back bedroom door towed shut brought me back to breath. A loosening of tension that focused me as I became ever more present.
I remained meditative. Captivated. Posture balanced. Mind silenced. Perceptions increased as I receded. Acutely aware of the communications of my body and and my surroundings. Bathed in air electric.
Thrills on the back of the neck and shoulders. A sensation I allowed to perpetuate. Emanating at the back of my skull. Propagating down my spine while fanning to my shoulders and flanks. Rushing down my limbs channelled. Bouncing at the extremities though an unknown part of me back to the brain. Over and over. I became saturated in the flow.
An oscillation of intense sensation. Cycle length related to intensity. Idling around 15 bpm. Punctuated with sharp, dramatic transients with release periods of varying length. Directly related frequency and amplitude modulation. Directly connected to my thoughts and emotions. My being as a plucked string.
Warm and honest emotions greeted with bolstered amplitude. Rushes of euphoria with sustained resonance. Mental labour brought with it dissonance. Self-interference within my dimensions. It was a nuanced art to balance but one I could adapt to.
The sensation felt like a scan of gold flowing thought my body. I felt extremely comforted and in tune. I never knew my body could emote so entirely. The experience was completely new and extremely profound.
Compelled to open my eyes I remained without sight. Dazzled. My sight gradually returned however a soft impression remained on my vision. Still in motion.
The main light had little effect. The visual before my sight. I had been stood eye line with the open skylight. If it had been day time I could have made sense of this. I returned to the same spot and saw darkness. One ancient point of white set in the black.
My blown mind required answers immediately. I needed to learn. I ambled downstairs for my notepad then returned to sit on my bed. Directly next to where I had been stood. I began writing down my observations and emotions.
I had witnessed, and continued to witness a fresh perspective. I focused myself on the remnants. I oscillated again, pen against paper. Reality deepened. I saw structure. I felt connection. I obtained information not of my own.
Heavily inspired and intensely motivated. Activated and alive. Changed fundamentally by this, the most lucid experience of my life.
I continued writing until sleep became me.